Family dinners at my house can be messy – and not just the dishes. It’s not always easy to coordinate schedules, pull kids away from homework/books/sports/screens, put my own devices away, and figure out what to cook that the majority of people will eat. But most nights all of us are together in the same room, eating something at dinner-ish time.
I believe it’s worth the effort. I recently spoke to Dr. Robert Waldinger who directs the Harvard Study of Adult Development. For 80+ years, this center has followed the lives of 724 participants and more than 1,300 of their descendants – researching what it means to lead a flourishing life. Waldinger has detailed the findings in his new book “The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness.”
When I asked him about top findings for parents for a Washington Post article, he talked about family dinners. Eating together is a ritual – and family rituals and routines are protective, especially as kids become adolescents and seek more independence.
As Waldinger writes, “Teens need you. Some teens will show this by being clingy, but others may insist they don’t need anyone. Of course, they do, In fact, a teen’s relationships with adults may be more crucial than at any other time in life. Research tells us there are advantages for adolescents who become more autonomous while still remaining connected to their parents.”
Autonomy and connection. It’s a tricky dance, but sometimes the simplest tools are the most useful. Research shows that regular family dinners correlate with higher grade-point averages, greater self-confidence, and lower rates of substance abuse and depression. This research is the impetus behind The Family Dinner Project – a joint venture of Mass General Hospital and Harvard University.
Don’t be surprised if teens start resisting things like family dinner or family movie night or Sunday dinner at grandma’s house. As Waldinger told me:
Teenagers are classically ambivalent, he says. They want to be independent and mature, and they want to stay a little kid — a conflict epitomized by the classic parenting book title “Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall.”
It’s normal for teens to begin to resist routines such as family dinner, but those routines provide a connective tissue that our kids need and crave. “Your child might signal, ‘I don’t need my family, to heck with all of you,’ and at the same time go along grudgingly and be reassured by the structure,” Waldinger says. “It doesn’t mean we make our teens do everything. We pick our battles, but some structure really matters. For most kids, it’s reassuring that structure stays while they’re going through a tumultuous time.”
We all need connection, and we all need to eat. So as often as we can, let’s eat together.