Empathy is the ability to step into the shoes of another person. When we empathize, we imagine their feelings and perspectives and use that understanding to thoughtfully guide our responses. Empathy is also related to dignity -- because empathy is a natural response once we recognize a person’s inherent worth as a human being. Children’s book author Anna Dewdney offers this wonderful definition: “Empathy is an understanding that other people have feelings, and that those feelings count.” Or as researcher and author Brene Brown writes, “Empathy is communicating that incredibly healing message ‘You are not alone.’”

Classically, empathy is that “golden mean” between indifference (not enough empathy) and internalizing the emotions of others in unhealthy ways. Think of social contagion, where fear, anxiety, or anger spreads rapidly and unreflectively within a social group. While empathy does ask us to hear and honor the perspective of others, it does not require us to absorb their emotions/perspectives and make them our own. Empathy allows us to support others without becoming overwhelmed or paralyzed -- when we “over-empathize” we may swing back toward “indifference” in order to protect ourselves emotionally.

Helping your child develop empathy for others

• Tip 1 - Pause, Then Reach Out: While the holiday season brings joy to many, it can also highlight feelings of vulnerability and loneliness for many in our greater community. Identify one way your family can meet a need -- large or small -- for an individual, family, or service organization this year. Before acting, learn more about the situation. Help your children imagine and empathize with the circumstances of others. What does this person or persons need and why? Pausing to reflect before giving will allow our charitable actions to grow out of our empathy

• Tip 2 -Model Reflective Listening: Deep listening is a powerful tool for connecting with adolescents. As you listen, reflect back the core ideas and emotions your child is sharing with you: “What I’m hearing you say is . . . .” or “It sounds like you feel . . . . “ In an interview I conducted with Susan David, author of Emotional Agility, she offered this empathetic advice to parents of teenagers. As they are working through emotionally charged situations, she says,

“Ask them, ‘What are some strategies that might help you? You are struggling with something that feels big and difficult — so how do we break this down? What’s one step you can take? Support them as they look for solutions that are meaningful to them.” David encapsulates the essence of this support in three words: “I see you” — your emotions, your ideas, your strengths, your struggles, and your dreams.

“Every single one of us wants to be seen. For me, ‘I see you’ means creating a space in your heart and in your home or classroom where [a child] is seen. When children and adolescents are very upset, literally just the presence of a loving person helps to de-escalate and creates the space where calm is invited in.” 

For Parents of Young Children

• Teaching Children Empathy, by Jessica Lahey
• How Caring for Living Things Helps Kids Build Empathy, by Deborah Farmer Kris
• How Books Can Teach Your Child to Care, by Anna Dewdney
• Room for Everyone: 10 Picture Books that Encourage Kindness, by Deborah Farmer Kris