Upper School Director Barbara Whitlock sends a monthly message to upper school students. In her January message, she coaches students to think about how the way they communicate.

What’s the best thing about returning to school after a break? Reconnecting with others.

And how do we connect? Through talking.

Aristotle says that what most distinguishes humans is our ability to communicate. The fact that we can talk in complex ways is unique to humans, and communication is the foundation of community. Note that these words share the Latin root word cum or with. Talking is how we connect with others. Connecting with many people in a shared context -- such as at school -- is the way we weave the fabric of community.

How we communicate affects how well we connect and how much we flourish as a community. If our talk is superficial, we feel less connected, more alone, more empty. If our talk is meaningful -- if we let ourselves be vulnerable and we respect the dignity of others by carrying their words carefully -- we feel more connected, more full. 

But it can be scary to take the risk to be vulnerable. And sometimes we can use the gift of communication to tear apart the community.

Think about gossip, for example. Isn’t it a cheap way of bonding, at the expense of someone else’s vulnerability? Or what about complaining? Isn’t it an easy way to put a negative spotlight on someone else rather than admit our own fears? What about hiding behind screens — texts or social media posts — don’t they give us a cheap hit that leaves us feeling more empty?

So how can we nurture talk and relationships as well as community? It takes courage!

• The courage to be vulnerable. Don’t hide behind gossiping about others’ lives, complaining or screens. Instead, share your stories. Open up about your fears, struggles, and triumphs in face-to-face interactions. 
• The courage to speak up and share concerns to help improve problems. Don’t just complain; do something to improve a situation. Be the one to go and talk to the teacher who needs to hear yours and others’ perspectives. Be the one to redirect gossip and complaints toward more fair-minded perspectives. Ask questions with curiosity rather than lock in on assumptions.

Let’s be a community that uses the gift of communication with courage to seek truthful connection. Let’s use our coaching conversations to understand how to live in community with others. Let’s use courageous dialogue to understand others and to share our own convictions.